I know we’re close. Saint Illinois James has said so himself. It is only a matter of time before the Great Window Tinter reveals himself, in our time of most desperate need. The saint has sent me on a very important mission and told me to document my findings. Hence, I’m dictating this blog post to my phone as I sneak through an abandoned warehouse that is said to have a cache of normal glass. I’m to report its location so that the church can stage an elaborate heist to get the crates of glass later. I’m to do it for the glory of window tinting loyalists everywhere.
It’s dark in here and I can hardly see, unable to risk the light of a torch in case the guards notice it. What was that? I thought I heard a noise, like rubber squeaking nearby. It must have been in my head, though. Just nerves, paranoia. I can’t see anything moving and the sound only happened once. Wait, there it is again! There’s definitely something in here. I need to be quick.
There’s a big stack of crates just ahead. I’m going to try to open them. Hold on…
Yes! It’s here, right against the back wall. I’ve marked the crates with red. They’re filled with shards of crystal-clear glass. The Great Window Tinter is sure to come out of hiding now. He will prove to be the master of office tinting Melbourne has been waiting for!
Oh no, I can hear something. A vibration, so slight, getting louder, revving now. An engine. I’m turning around. Headlights flash, bathing me in light, throwing my shadow up against the crates.
“You are trespassing on Auto King property. We cannot let you escape. The Auto King will not allow the Great Window Tinter to rise. Foolish human, prepare for your demise!”
I knew it was going to end like this, with me being obliterated by a sentient car that was holding a flamethrower. Great Window Tinter, spare my soul!