Front Lawn Bathtub

‘Why exactly,’ I frowned, ‘am I looking at my bathtub?’

         ‘I don’t know,’ my son said, nervously. ‘There’s so much other great stuff to look at. There’s your lovely door, your neighbour is mowing his lawn, there’s a beautiful bird sitting in that tree just over—’

         Why is my bath on the front lawn, Jerry?

         ‘Oh, I see,’ Jerry said quickly, taking a step away from me and grinning nervously. ‘That’s your concern.’


         ‘Well, you see, I had to, uh… get it out of the way.’

         ‘For what?’ I seethed at him.

         ‘For the plumbers,’ he said. ‘The plumbers I hired to modify your bathroom.’

         ‘If they damage my tiles, I swear to God—’

         ‘They won’t, they won’t,’ he insisted. ‘It’ll be better, you’ll see.’

         ‘Better for who?!’

         ‘For you!’ he exclaimed. ‘I know how much you hate getting in and out of the bath, with your knee and whatnot. I’m just making some slight bath modifications to help my ageing parent.

         ‘I’m forty-five!’ I shouted at him. ‘I hurt my knee playing baseball last week!’

         ‘Are you sure?’ Jerry frowned.


         ‘Hmmmm,’ he shook his head. ‘Doesn’t sound right. Oh god, are you… y’know…’

         ‘Am I what?’ I narrowed my eyes, turning to face him head-on. ‘Go on, son. Say it.’

         He grinned up at me nervously. ‘Slipping?’

         He quickly scarpered away as soon as he saw the look in my eye, and I cursed that stupid baseball game for not letting me chase him down.

         ‘If you add a bathtub cut out designed for elderly people, Sydney is going to have one more person sleeping rough tonight!’ I yelled at him.

         ‘Embrace the change!’ he yelled back, cockier now he wasn’t in striking distance. ‘This is good for you! You’ll be a new man!’

         I sighed and looked over at the bath tub. It was actually harder than I remembered, getting in and out of it…

         No! I scolded myself. At least… not until he’s moved out.

         ‘Put everything back where you found it!’ I growled at him, and headed inside.