I have a lifestyle that other people think is weird. I’ve even been called a freak for it, or a monster. I’m neither of those things. You see, I like to spend time in the sewers beneath the city. That’s what I tell people at first, at least. I actually live there.
It all started when I lost my house to a crippling lollipop addition. I know what you’re thinking. How can a lollipop addiction cost that much money? It’s not like they’re expensive. Well, let me set you straight. I can eat lollipop in under five minutes, which means I go through twelve in an hour. I never stopped when the craving was at its worst. That’s right, I even ate them when I slept. I went through 288 lollipops in a day once. They cost 50 cents each, or at least the good ones do, so they were costing me $144 a day. Suffice it to say, I lost the wife, the kids and the house, along with a good set of teeth.
The obvious choice was to get help or start living on the streets. Too stubborn to admit I had a problem, and finding the streets too busy, I took to the sewers. It was liberating. Suddenly I had a whole world to explore on my own. Who knew that there were so many blocked drains throughout Melbourne? People wonder about the smell down there, but you get used to it soon enough. I’ve actually started trying to liven the place up a bit. I’ve got my own crib, and I’m bringing down old furniture that other people are throwing out. You know what they say: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. I’ve started cleaning up some of the drains with an old toothbrush, but it’s taking a while. Maybe I should find out where I can get professional drain cleaning, which I expect would go a bit faster. Once that’s all done, I should have the place looking really nice. Maybe I’ll throw a housewarming party if anyone will come.